band stuff

so im currently playing w 2 dudes in a group called heroes of music. its been gettn kinda crazy lately. basically these guys are comin at me sayin im too arguementative or whatever. but the bottom line is theyre fuckin insane. like... basically... im sittin there makin a loop and theyll interupt me. and they want me to get used to this. i feel like they need to respect my process, i have a way of making music and it works for me, if i change that process it may dilute the product. criticism after the fact is fine, but WHILE im making the loop? BC gets this, but tlks about how his flow gets interupted if I say anything. i get that, but he does the SAME shit to me, and even asks for permission to have free reign to do that shit. what really pissed me off is when he goes, "this isn't REAL music." i mean like, that's just fuckin nuts. you can't just fuckin talk about shit and say its not real music. don't give a shit if it's a) spoken word, or b) not lyrically up to your own standards. If i think its cool, thats an arbitrary thing which you have no say in. Now, if we vote for the band shit, then thats another thing altogether. these guys dont know shit about shit and its frusrtating to have to deal with them under these circumstances.

i mean like, i fi hit them with what ive got, then theyll buckle under the pressure. thats not a good thing, because i want them in fighting shape for the group. but if we destroy ourselves before we can make anything OF ourselves, then thats a waste of time. - but lets take a step back. this kid, BC, started fuckin like trying to psychologically evaluate me, tried to back me into a mental corner, and its like... fucking nuts. like, you can't fucking do that shit to anybody. don't fucking even try. he tries to say shit to try to "put you in your place" but what he doesnt realize is that I'm just using every instance he does as a chance to increase my resistance to his crap. I'm getting better over time, as I figure him out better. Ultimately, dude needs to shut the fuck up. tryin to say bullshit like the world is ruled by some psychological crap, thats fine and all, but you fuckin continue with that shit way too much. leave us the fuck alone and dont fuckin bury us in it. he says i personal attack him, he comes after me. talks about me, my emotions, everything. like... he thinks he can "observe" me, make comments, "criticisms" but then when you flip it, he can't handle it, and suddenly me making my own observations + criticisms is "over the line." can't handle what he dishes out.

ultimately its because what he's dishing out is unsustainable. in the sense that, yeah sure, he can spew crap like a volcano, but the guy recieving the shit is going to eventually get fed up with it. he's basically the kinda dude who sits there spewing shit nonstop. when he looks at you and goes, 'the reason why you do this shit is cause of fuckin arousal man.' its like, dude, stop bringing your fucking psychology shit into a fucking BAND. leave it the fuck alone, youre interupting my goddamn creative flow, and im getting pissed about it. Nick just asks way too many questions. just cause i own equipment doesnt mean im fucking here to teach you about it. do your own research. google it. use your own fucking head. they expect me to just lead them to whatever the fuck they want to be led to. im not gonna fucking play that role for them. they needa figure it out on their own. i had to, and its not hard to anymore. watch a fucking youtube on each of my pedals. put your own effort in. im not here to fucking TEACH you, im here to make MUSIC. but yeah, i mean these dudes, they're rappers. pretty good too. im a musician, and pretty good at that. and these guys, well, they come up and cause bullshit. like... nick's issue is every time BC starts fuckin w/ me, he starts talkin shit in terms of how i "deserved it."

lets be clear, there's no circumstance where fuckin with someone is cool. I saw completely through BC's shit, and the thing is, he got mad. first, he was imitating me, responding to every fucking thign i said, going, "why" this and "why" that. why do i need to explain myself to this fool? I am the way i am, and that simply is the case. who gives a shit why. why are you black? why am i brown? there are certain immutable facts about reality and you need to accept them as such. he thinks people are pliable, that basically they're there for him to mould. fuck that egotistical POV. he needs to accept people the way they are. he lacks a basic level of respect for anyone. but yeah i mean like... there's so much crap going on beneath the surface in these situations. nick's comin at this as if im the bad guy, but my only goal is to write music. and if bc's crap gets to a point of intolerability, then i will put my foot down. nicks against putting feet down, ever. which is why he ironically gets walked over. he cant even make apoint without making a disclaimer first. he can't say a goddamn thing without getting permission. and if he even has an insult to throw, he can't do it without apologizing first. dude needs to fuckin get his skill up to shit. if he can't, then we can't operate at peak capacity.

these guys just arent used to working at peak. like, to have a team, shit needs to be ironed out. there can't be any issues amongst the involved parties. ande veryone needs to be focused. you can't be focused if you're getting distracted. and in my case, disrespected. its a matter of principal. when nick + bc start ganging up, thats just sad to see. is that really fair to throw two voices at one man? not even a fair fight. they tell me I like fightnig, but they're the ones who start the shit. they think its ok to say insulting ass shit, and that anyone who takes offense to it is whack. if you say offensive ass shit, sometimes you might offend someone. its like... dude, wake the fuck up. - i know bc's situation is influenced by his past, what with the deaths n shit, and his current roommate, the fuckin jail dude. bc's completely afraid of getting discovered as a softy, so he does whatever he can to appear cool. to me, thats a waste of time. me, my goal is to make music that i enjoy, with a team of people that work together efficiently. people may not like how i do what i do, but theyre small minded fools who are pansies and pussies and dont have the balls to be ambitious and successful in life and'd rather play pattycake with the girls. fuck their smallmindedness.

but again, im starting at the bottom. i dont have a crack team, but a whack team. the people i have are the worst of the worst, but ill make a team out of them anyway. these are talented people, they have the skills i need for my group, but theyve also got a handfull of insane tactics and techniques. when you find people in these situations, its those positions that are fucking insane. people think that theyre at the top of their game, what with nick and his "connect", bc and his... all this shit. bottom line is the dude needs to just fucking let go of whatever issues he's got and just become the person he knows he is. otherwise he's just wasting his time. and thats a shame because if he wastes his fuckin time he's wastin my time too. we should be able to get together function as a team and produce music in a systematic way. we can write songs clearly thats teh core of what we do. but we need to automate our process of sticking songs into some sort of a vat whereupon we can take these songs and perform them or cd them. we need a system of shit to kinda make shit work the way we need it to. and the thing is, its hard to do that with all the distractions. we've got a song-writing team. we've got this jam, but im washing my hands of it. malcolm can run it if he wants, but im done with that shit.

ultimately, i spent a few months finding musicians. now that ive found them, im working towards a new goal. mission accomplished: get a band. now that ive got one, i want to take that group and make it work. the thing is, thats a new undertaking, and before i can do that, i have to wash my hands of the old shit. and part of that is addessing the numerous problems i saw in phase 1. firstly, nick is a fucking wallflower, but he knows he is, and he does it on purpose. he knows how to get involved, he just purposely standsback while shit goes down. thats gotta be one of the most frustrating things on the planet. the only time he uses his intellect is to snipe other people. yet if i do it, "oh man, thats bad, you just sniped." nick does it all the time, so does bc, but i think they expect me to be "higher quality" than they. if they want it out of me, i want to see it out of them as well. otherwise, until that point, they need to just shut the fuck up and go the fuck home. they dont know shit about shit which is funny because theyve been in this business for years. this is my first fucking band that matters, and ive got it ALL figured out. they need to recognize that, understand ive got something remarkable in my head, and they need to just let me loose rather than getting in my way.

and this is how i feel this shit has gone. theyve started to get in my way, while im making loops, and now while im fucking talking. i mean like, if i cant even talk, then there's a major issue. if i can't even make a statement ebcause they're picking it apart, rediculing every aspect of myself, from the use of my words, to the fact that im even talking about this. they question everything about me, why-this, why-that. i mean like, seriously dude, you ask TOO MANY why's. some questions don't have good answers. some topics need not be discussed. what does my POV have to do with making fucking MUSIC. i dont have to fucking answer your questions on random topics just because we're sittin around a room with a fucking BAND setup. now, if you interupt the flow, if you sit there and do some crazy shit, then yes, ill say some shit. and thats when they blow up, cause they cant handle it. theyre afraid of being called out when they make a mistake. they think, "oh sandeep, youre callin me out." fuckin nuts. at the end of the day, im not going to fail and there's nothing they can do to stop me. its a shame that these guys right now are actin like roadblocks but that happens sometimes. theyre not sure of my vision. theyre not sure that what im thinking is the right shit, thats fine.

ive got a good sense of things and they need to recognize that. they could have cash in pocket, but theyre actin like fools. being paid for music that a) we had autonomy over the parts and b) ... lets sidetrack. what badn lets the one member write the parts of teh other memebrs. bands whom i dont respect. bands of equals, where each person writes their own shit, thats good shit. nick thinks a band of equals is everyone equally criticizing the shit thats out there. i mean like, yeah, now is a good time to be critical of what we've got, but the reason why is because at the end of the day, there's alot that needs to be evaluated. we just got out of this fucking setup with these people and like... yeah i mean like... and the fucking insults. "you think you're deep, but you'rer eally just stupid." thats insulting but im not letting that shit stop me. they think that i should just "get shut down." its testing the waters in the most extreme way possible. but this is the thing, they sense murkiness, and people do that, they bring it up to you in the most unflattering way possible. its not that youre wrong, its that youre unclear, and without clarity chaos ensues. they feel like its all because "im loosing my temper" or some shit but its way more than that.

im transitioning from being involved with a jam, and a network of musicians, to closing that network and focusing on the three that are in front of me. these guys matter, the rest dont. so the focus is shifted. thats how i look at it. and with that being the case ultimately its one of those things. while bc thiks he wants me to work more towards the group, which i want to do too, he needs to realize that you cant just FORCE it. youve got to have coherence, otherwise its just a mess. and he wants to just force it, which's weird. you have to finesse it, don't just blunt-force-trauma it up. thats some stupid ass shit to take something as fragile as a band and to expect people to fucking go through that and all that. the band we've got is something we need to respect and ultimately if we dont have that we dont have anything. but yeah, there are real issues with the group and they need to be discussed. nicks fuckin attitude is a pain in the ass; when there's problems, they need to be solved. dont be fucking afraid of trying. thats a pussy ass way to look at shit. and for a guy whose obsessed with machoism, that should mean everything. fucking foolish. and bc buys into it. which is fucking stupid. i guess the thing is, bc's willing to see reason, as is nick. they just want me to give it to them.

and thats the thing, theyre lazy as fuck. they cant figure it out for themselves? they NEED to be figuring it out for themselves. i cant be the one to figure it out for all of us every time. i figure it out for ME. they need to take care of their own asses. ill figure this out, but only if they put equal investment in. nick fucking stands back and bitches, bc just starts mocking and imitating in perhaps some of the absolutely insultingest fits of speach ive ever encountered, but neither seems willing to put their minds towards the problem to try to solve it. thats the thing, they dont believe in their own abilities and so they feel like they need structure to make up for their own inadaquacy. thats fucked up. they need to fucking get their shit together and recognize that its not hard for them to get their shit in order and to become fucking men. right now theyre like... shambles of individuals. im trying to get them to that peak level where we are all badasses, individually and as a group. without that shit, we're nothing. they sometimes toe the pool but they rarely jump in. and thats a problem. but we'll see what we can do, and if we can make it work. otherwise, yeah. thats how this shit goes down. crazy stuff.