brainstorming

there's alot wrong with HOM right now. One of our members is fucking awol which never helps and another guy is sortof lfoating. im a dedidcated dude and i really dont think ill just let shit fall apart. if i invest myself into something it grows and becomes better than what it initially was and id ont want to sit back and just let things fall apart at the seams just because certain people are just missing the point of this shit. at the end of the day if i dont do whats necessary for this group, its basically just one of those things that ultimately will consume us. and if we dont get consumed completely then it'll just be one of those thigns that ultiately takes its toll on the rest of us. we need to sit down and make sure we're not wasting our time banging our heads against something thats not going to lead us anywhere. and if we do make sure that what we're doing is a great thing then we can put our best foot forward and not worry about the nonsense that is in fact out there. otherwise if we just sit back and do the nonsense we have been doing we'll only stand to waste time and make little to no money, and probaby lose some in the process.

so to me thats all just a weird fucking setup. we as band mates need to sit down and really just rectify the wrongs of the past and present. we have to arrange ourselves in a way that completely makes sense with what we'er trying to doa nd if we cant do that the ultimately we're just wasting time. we have to be smart in how we handle ourselves and if we can't do that then we're just not playing smart period. and honestly i think that if we just sit back and let time take its toll then thats basically how this shit tends to go. so ultimately yeah, there's alot of nonsense going down and i feel like if we dont go and do the things that we need to it will ultimately just be a big waste. there's got to be a happy medium here, there needs to be some semblance of whats worthy and what isnt and if there isnt then we're ultimately wasting precious time and energy. and there's nothing good about that. thats my own impetus here. we're creative people with finite lives and all that. we need to agree that in life there isnt much time to do things so there needs to be a set structure to the way that we do things and if we manage to make it work the way we want to then we can capitalize on the gains of structure and all that it brings.

we can't just expect to be able to push through scenarios without any foundation to stand upon. this is why we DO in fact need heirarchies. i feel like i could come up with a method to make shit work, and kindof like, get things sorted in the way thats ultimately possible. if we dont do that, we're just wasting shitloads of our time. and thats what i think is a mjor problem in the music scene today. people are just literally walking around mindless and not having any clue as to whats what and ultimately they really dont know shit about whats there. its just the sortof thing that makes me wonder like... how the hell do we actually make some use of this shit. otherwise if we dont then whts to say we've even really done anything good with our time. we have to make sure that we're really doing something that matters otherwise if we dont then we're just sitting back and throwing ourselvs into something that has no use whatsoever. if we do something thast a waste of time we're taking what precious time we have on this planet and squandering it, not on mistakes but on knowingly wasting time. there can be no bigger sin on this planet than do lay idle. but some people seem intent on doing just that, while others want to make something of themselves.

now here's the thing, people sit back and complain about shit but unless they sit and actually try to do something about what it is theyre facing then i think theyre just ultimately time wasting. you cant just complain without any input. thats just bad business. if you want your shit to lead to good things then you have to put your thoughts into action and make sure that youre really working your ass off to lead things to where they need to go. otherwise youre just shorthanding yourself in life really. let every situation teach you something new. dont ever let yourself repeat the same patterns. evolve your life and make sure youre always enjoying the pursuit of knowldege and happiness. to try to strive for the stars isnt a fools game, just a difficult one. and you may just be the best if you try to be. i think the key thing is when you set your sights high then you reach pretty high.

talkin bout shit

list of changes we need to make w/ bc + nick
- their messiness
- the fact that they never clean up the music equipment
- the kitchen
- i'd say the fact that they're here for way too long
- no facebook
- i'd say they need to stop making all this noise when im trying to do really difficult guitar parts
- noise / arguing
- they need to stop insulting my lyrics when im trying to write them.

well, what do you think about how they keep saying im arguing.

i dont know

do you think i am?

i dont know. you all argue.

nick just started yelling at me and then said i was arguing at him. and then bc got his back and said i started it. and then bc started asking some stupid shit and i answered. and then nicks like, "youre being rude." and he went on a ten minute rant about how i was being rude. and when i tried to get them to figure out which songs we were going to do for the list, they basically refused to respond. and they basically ignored me when i was trying to make the loop. basically they were asses the whole time. here's what i think

who i feels being a bit invasive

so you think he's being invasive?

well why do you think i always hide off when theyre in here. you know? every time theyre here is tay away from this room. i come to the kitchen when imhungry and i cook. but i clean up after myself. nick left the pan on teh stove with the burner on. he wasnt cooking anything just burning leftovers.

basically, theyre trashing our place. and theyre basically like, making you feel uncomfortable. and theyre basically like not in harmony with our home. if theyre gonna be here they have to treat our place with respect

yeah there's always beer cans all over the place when they leave. i just, i dont know, why didnt nick take his equipment with him. we're not a storage spot. you take your shit.

yeah i mean like, see this is why i needed to cancel all the other shit. cause there's so much wrong with this band right now that it takes all mya ttention. i can only really commit to one new thing at a time, school is old, but this band is new. our relationship is old but the bands new, you know what im saying. and like... so there's so much wrong right now. they're calling me an ass but if you look how they acted they were the ass today. do you think i was an ass yeserday?

not really. i mean maybe a little bit when you got pissed off. but they made you pissed off, and you calmed youself down, and you made them feel the way you feel. i dont consider that being an ass, i consider that helping them understand. helping them grow as human beings. cause apparently they cant put themselves in other peoples shoes.

yeah its like, there's basic shit that they just don't get. bc was literally imitating me and denied it in the middle of the act.

yeah, that wsa fuckin rediculous.

and bc walked up to me and said good job on not arguing today

what?

exactly.

i would be like good job on being so lazy today, peace. like... oh my gosh.

exactly, and now you understand why this is stressful.

i already knew it was stressful, i shied away at first, and now im gettnig more involved. before then, all i really noticed was how messy theyd make the apartment.

see the thing is, those were the only problems at the time.

yeah, theyre adding up now. you never argued before. it was chill as fuck when it was just you and bc. you know? you guys would work.

thats the point, thats what iw as telling you, i knew when nick got involved it would get like this.

its complicated cause he's got talent, but put him and bc together and theyre completely children and youre the adult in the situation and im like, i feel like a fucking housewise.

see, thats, i wish you had the balls to say that to them.

im sending them a message saying all that shit to them right now. im sick of the bullshit man. like youre going to schoo,l he's got a job but thats not as stresful. all he has to do is flip burgers and push buttons.

i mean like, they just gang up on me.

yeah.

the band wasmy idea. it was my diea every time we get together. and i was the one who decided to give them more power. and they decided to use it to be asses. theyre like classless fuckfaces. nick goes back and forth from being understanding and being an ass. same with bc really. theyve come to think that its a really fun thing to fuck with me. they have it convinced that im the one doing something terrible to them. all im doing is treating them like adults. and they dont know how to handle it. theyre scared shitless of being adults. they dont know how to fucking act like men. like theyre given this great oppertunity. and all they can think of to do with this shit is to fuck with me. if it keeps going like this then im going to cut them off. ill just go back to the open mikes but this time i have a method to write songs. because basically im not gonna put up with this kinda crap. ive been very patient with them through the whole process. and theyve just picked me apart as if im an entertainment form to them. thats fine, im an immigrant, they dont udnerstand my point of view. but strangely i understand there's. what the truth is is theyre just too dumb to understand anything. theyre too ungentlemenly to hold their tongue in these situations. and they have no fucking way to deal with stress. they feel like the world revolves around them. and theyre pretty close to losing me as a bandmate.

i actually wonder if theyre the reason all the other people didnt wanna play with us. not even nathan really. malcolm was always a tool. see lilly was goodbut she's also a bit of a tool. and like... same with fuckin... tyler and kei kei. there was this guy called gatsby who was pretty good but he flaked out. ironically he was the most talented person in the group. maybe all the issues that imseeing now were directed to him at the time. and ultimately maybe nick and bc are chasing all the talent away. because look at this, im the onewho attracted those poeple in the first place. all those people liked me and i think nick and bc pushed them away. nick would always stand back and complain about shit. the first jam session he just stood back silent with a frown on his face. and then afterwards he said, "i thought you were an ass" to me. he's basically obsessed with being afraid of being bossed around. like he's kinda one of those people who has an inadaquacy issue. and bc is just an anger management case that needs to go to a couple more sessions. i think the shame is they dont realize how fuckin fucked up they are. they think i was fucked up but if i was fucked up i never wuolda been able to put together the jam session. and the first jam session we had was 10 people and 9 of them only nkew me. they came on good faith based on reccomendation from me. they all assumed that everyone was gonna be as cool as me. but as it turned out, most of the people werent. and so we lost basically everybody. and the only people we could keep are probably the ones that drove everybody away. like im a talented dude and they dont respect my talent. i try to write music and they interupt me. i try to talk about music and they insult me. i try to write lyrics and they insult them. like, every part of what i do gets insulted at this point. and if i say anything about what they do then they say that im the bad guy. which is really the sortof of thing youd expect from a childminded motherfucker. like, im getting zero respect right now, they want me to do things their way, and their way of convincing me is trying to insult me again and again. they have zero people skills. and they have no clue how to run a successful organization. and they have so many little mental insecurities and shit.

fuckin brats

ive got some foolish motherfuckers in my fuckin band. but yeah, thats how this shit goes. i mean like, fuckin hell. guys are actin all stupid n shit. and its like... dude, you needa fuckin figure ur shit out. youre fuckin retarded, and youre also fuckin holdin up progress. thats just how this shit goes. theyre actin like fools and fuckin around with shit. but like, at the end of the day, its just fuckin foolish. at the end of the day they act in weird ways and shit, and its just like... i dont know. i mean like... i fuckin put my ass on the line and they fuckin expect me to just humble myself like whatever. and its fuckin stupid. like... yeah.

bullshit

fuckin fools actin like idiots n shit. they walk around n talk their shit but at the core of it theyre just fuckin around. we're all tryn to make some music here n shit. and thats what its all about. if you can't make that shit happen, then its a fuckin waste. gotta capitalize on the shit that we've got. we know what we're good at, now we needa focus on what we suck at. there's alot of that shit too. ultimately thats just how this shit goes. you can't just fuckin hide from the weaknesses. do the weakest shit so that it gets sorted out. in order to move on in a useful manner we need to fuckin try to fuckin make our shit work. that's what it's about. at the end of the day this is hardcore shit and we're doing what we're doing to make this shit work. at the end of the day, its just one of those things. you've gotta work your ass off to make the most of what you've got and if you don't then you're just wasting what you've got which is a crying shame really. don't let yourself fall victim to that mentality. its fuckin stupid if you do. because thats just rediculous.

band stuff #2

something to think about: how do we sell tickets to a show beforehand? since we've got family + friends, we could sell the tickets, pocket the money, and they wouldn't necessarily have to show up to support us. maybe we split the ticket fees with the venue? maybe if we own the venue or know the owner / renter, we dont have to pay them? maybe this would be a better money-making setup than doing the typical "door-guy" setup and all that. ultimately if we can figure out decent setups with this shit, it might be a good idea. we'll see. the jam sessions turning into a thing with malcolm, the band things turning into a thing with nick and bc. maybe people are basically having their own levels of commitment and involvement. we can support malcolm's events, as well as nathans and all that. but i think we should consider the jam session your event. if malcolm takes that shit over, that'd be cool, his own event where he could run it how he liked n shit. and our shit'd be like... the band sesions. might be a better idea to make it malcolms. that way we can focus on being a band, and being a guest @ the jam session. "heroes of music" will be attending the jam session tonight. that sortof a thing.

band stuff

so im currently playing w 2 dudes in a group called heroes of music. its been gettn kinda crazy lately. basically these guys are comin at me sayin im too arguementative or whatever. but the bottom line is theyre fuckin insane. like... basically... im sittin there makin a loop and theyll interupt me. and they want me to get used to this. i feel like they need to respect my process, i have a way of making music and it works for me, if i change that process it may dilute the product. criticism after the fact is fine, but WHILE im making the loop? BC gets this, but tlks about how his flow gets interupted if I say anything. i get that, but he does the SAME shit to me, and even asks for permission to have free reign to do that shit. what really pissed me off is when he goes, "this isn't REAL music." i mean like, that's just fuckin nuts. you can't just fuckin talk about shit and say its not real music. don't give a shit if it's a) spoken word, or b) not lyrically up to your own standards. If i think its cool, thats an arbitrary thing which you have no say in. Now, if we vote for the band shit, then thats another thing altogether. these guys dont know shit about shit and its frusrtating to have to deal with them under these circumstances.

i mean like, i fi hit them with what ive got, then theyll buckle under the pressure. thats not a good thing, because i want them in fighting shape for the group. but if we destroy ourselves before we can make anything OF ourselves, then thats a waste of time. - but lets take a step back. this kid, BC, started fuckin like trying to psychologically evaluate me, tried to back me into a mental corner, and its like... fucking nuts. like, you can't fucking do that shit to anybody. don't fucking even try. he tries to say shit to try to "put you in your place" but what he doesnt realize is that I'm just using every instance he does as a chance to increase my resistance to his crap. I'm getting better over time, as I figure him out better. Ultimately, dude needs to shut the fuck up. tryin to say bullshit like the world is ruled by some psychological crap, thats fine and all, but you fuckin continue with that shit way too much. leave us the fuck alone and dont fuckin bury us in it. he says i personal attack him, he comes after me. talks about me, my emotions, everything. like... he thinks he can "observe" me, make comments, "criticisms" but then when you flip it, he can't handle it, and suddenly me making my own observations + criticisms is "over the line." can't handle what he dishes out.

ultimately its because what he's dishing out is unsustainable. in the sense that, yeah sure, he can spew crap like a volcano, but the guy recieving the shit is going to eventually get fed up with it. he's basically the kinda dude who sits there spewing shit nonstop. when he looks at you and goes, 'the reason why you do this shit is cause of fuckin arousal man.' its like, dude, stop bringing your fucking psychology shit into a fucking BAND. leave it the fuck alone, youre interupting my goddamn creative flow, and im getting pissed about it. Nick just asks way too many questions. just cause i own equipment doesnt mean im fucking here to teach you about it. do your own research. google it. use your own fucking head. they expect me to just lead them to whatever the fuck they want to be led to. im not gonna fucking play that role for them. they needa figure it out on their own. i had to, and its not hard to anymore. watch a fucking youtube on each of my pedals. put your own effort in. im not here to fucking TEACH you, im here to make MUSIC. but yeah, i mean these dudes, they're rappers. pretty good too. im a musician, and pretty good at that. and these guys, well, they come up and cause bullshit. like... nick's issue is every time BC starts fuckin w/ me, he starts talkin shit in terms of how i "deserved it."

lets be clear, there's no circumstance where fuckin with someone is cool. I saw completely through BC's shit, and the thing is, he got mad. first, he was imitating me, responding to every fucking thign i said, going, "why" this and "why" that. why do i need to explain myself to this fool? I am the way i am, and that simply is the case. who gives a shit why. why are you black? why am i brown? there are certain immutable facts about reality and you need to accept them as such. he thinks people are pliable, that basically they're there for him to mould. fuck that egotistical POV. he needs to accept people the way they are. he lacks a basic level of respect for anyone. but yeah i mean like... there's so much crap going on beneath the surface in these situations. nick's comin at this as if im the bad guy, but my only goal is to write music. and if bc's crap gets to a point of intolerability, then i will put my foot down. nicks against putting feet down, ever. which is why he ironically gets walked over. he cant even make apoint without making a disclaimer first. he can't say a goddamn thing without getting permission. and if he even has an insult to throw, he can't do it without apologizing first. dude needs to fuckin get his skill up to shit. if he can't, then we can't operate at peak capacity.

these guys just arent used to working at peak. like, to have a team, shit needs to be ironed out. there can't be any issues amongst the involved parties. ande veryone needs to be focused. you can't be focused if you're getting distracted. and in my case, disrespected. its a matter of principal. when nick + bc start ganging up, thats just sad to see. is that really fair to throw two voices at one man? not even a fair fight. they tell me I like fightnig, but they're the ones who start the shit. they think its ok to say insulting ass shit, and that anyone who takes offense to it is whack. if you say offensive ass shit, sometimes you might offend someone. its like... dude, wake the fuck up. - i know bc's situation is influenced by his past, what with the deaths n shit, and his current roommate, the fuckin jail dude. bc's completely afraid of getting discovered as a softy, so he does whatever he can to appear cool. to me, thats a waste of time. me, my goal is to make music that i enjoy, with a team of people that work together efficiently. people may not like how i do what i do, but theyre small minded fools who are pansies and pussies and dont have the balls to be ambitious and successful in life and'd rather play pattycake with the girls. fuck their smallmindedness.

but again, im starting at the bottom. i dont have a crack team, but a whack team. the people i have are the worst of the worst, but ill make a team out of them anyway. these are talented people, they have the skills i need for my group, but theyve also got a handfull of insane tactics and techniques. when you find people in these situations, its those positions that are fucking insane. people think that theyre at the top of their game, what with nick and his "connect", bc and his... all this shit. bottom line is the dude needs to just fucking let go of whatever issues he's got and just become the person he knows he is. otherwise he's just wasting his time. and thats a shame because if he wastes his fuckin time he's wastin my time too. we should be able to get together function as a team and produce music in a systematic way. we can write songs clearly thats teh core of what we do. but we need to automate our process of sticking songs into some sort of a vat whereupon we can take these songs and perform them or cd them. we need a system of shit to kinda make shit work the way we need it to. and the thing is, its hard to do that with all the distractions. we've got a song-writing team. we've got this jam, but im washing my hands of it. malcolm can run it if he wants, but im done with that shit.

ultimately, i spent a few months finding musicians. now that ive found them, im working towards a new goal. mission accomplished: get a band. now that ive got one, i want to take that group and make it work. the thing is, thats a new undertaking, and before i can do that, i have to wash my hands of the old shit. and part of that is addessing the numerous problems i saw in phase 1. firstly, nick is a fucking wallflower, but he knows he is, and he does it on purpose. he knows how to get involved, he just purposely standsback while shit goes down. thats gotta be one of the most frustrating things on the planet. the only time he uses his intellect is to snipe other people. yet if i do it, "oh man, thats bad, you just sniped." nick does it all the time, so does bc, but i think they expect me to be "higher quality" than they. if they want it out of me, i want to see it out of them as well. otherwise, until that point, they need to just shut the fuck up and go the fuck home. they dont know shit about shit which is funny because theyve been in this business for years. this is my first fucking band that matters, and ive got it ALL figured out. they need to recognize that, understand ive got something remarkable in my head, and they need to just let me loose rather than getting in my way.

and this is how i feel this shit has gone. theyve started to get in my way, while im making loops, and now while im fucking talking. i mean like, if i cant even talk, then there's a major issue. if i can't even make a statement ebcause they're picking it apart, rediculing every aspect of myself, from the use of my words, to the fact that im even talking about this. they question everything about me, why-this, why-that. i mean like, seriously dude, you ask TOO MANY why's. some questions don't have good answers. some topics need not be discussed. what does my POV have to do with making fucking MUSIC. i dont have to fucking answer your questions on random topics just because we're sittin around a room with a fucking BAND setup. now, if you interupt the flow, if you sit there and do some crazy shit, then yes, ill say some shit. and thats when they blow up, cause they cant handle it. theyre afraid of being called out when they make a mistake. they think, "oh sandeep, youre callin me out." fuckin nuts. at the end of the day, im not going to fail and there's nothing they can do to stop me. its a shame that these guys right now are actin like roadblocks but that happens sometimes. theyre not sure of my vision. theyre not sure that what im thinking is the right shit, thats fine.

ive got a good sense of things and they need to recognize that. they could have cash in pocket, but theyre actin like fools. being paid for music that a) we had autonomy over the parts and b) ... lets sidetrack. what badn lets the one member write the parts of teh other memebrs. bands whom i dont respect. bands of equals, where each person writes their own shit, thats good shit. nick thinks a band of equals is everyone equally criticizing the shit thats out there. i mean like, yeah, now is a good time to be critical of what we've got, but the reason why is because at the end of the day, there's alot that needs to be evaluated. we just got out of this fucking setup with these people and like... yeah i mean like... and the fucking insults. "you think you're deep, but you'rer eally just stupid." thats insulting but im not letting that shit stop me. they think that i should just "get shut down." its testing the waters in the most extreme way possible. but this is the thing, they sense murkiness, and people do that, they bring it up to you in the most unflattering way possible. its not that youre wrong, its that youre unclear, and without clarity chaos ensues. they feel like its all because "im loosing my temper" or some shit but its way more than that.

im transitioning from being involved with a jam, and a network of musicians, to closing that network and focusing on the three that are in front of me. these guys matter, the rest dont. so the focus is shifted. thats how i look at it. and with that being the case ultimately its one of those things. while bc thiks he wants me to work more towards the group, which i want to do too, he needs to realize that you cant just FORCE it. youve got to have coherence, otherwise its just a mess. and he wants to just force it, which's weird. you have to finesse it, don't just blunt-force-trauma it up. thats some stupid ass shit to take something as fragile as a band and to expect people to fucking go through that and all that. the band we've got is something we need to respect and ultimately if we dont have that we dont have anything. but yeah, there are real issues with the group and they need to be discussed. nicks fuckin attitude is a pain in the ass; when there's problems, they need to be solved. dont be fucking afraid of trying. thats a pussy ass way to look at shit. and for a guy whose obsessed with machoism, that should mean everything. fucking foolish. and bc buys into it. which is fucking stupid. i guess the thing is, bc's willing to see reason, as is nick. they just want me to give it to them.

and thats the thing, theyre lazy as fuck. they cant figure it out for themselves? they NEED to be figuring it out for themselves. i cant be the one to figure it out for all of us every time. i figure it out for ME. they need to take care of their own asses. ill figure this out, but only if they put equal investment in. nick fucking stands back and bitches, bc just starts mocking and imitating in perhaps some of the absolutely insultingest fits of speach ive ever encountered, but neither seems willing to put their minds towards the problem to try to solve it. thats the thing, they dont believe in their own abilities and so they feel like they need structure to make up for their own inadaquacy. thats fucked up. they need to fucking get their shit together and recognize that its not hard for them to get their shit in order and to become fucking men. right now theyre like... shambles of individuals. im trying to get them to that peak level where we are all badasses, individually and as a group. without that shit, we're nothing. they sometimes toe the pool but they rarely jump in. and thats a problem. but we'll see what we can do, and if we can make it work. otherwise, yeah. thats how this shit goes down. crazy stuff.