i need to write a hell of alot more about music

so i've been writing shitloads about various subjects but it seems like music has been majorly neglected. well when i was growing up i didn't get much attention for my music, more or less scorned by my parents, and really just misunderstood. my addicton & passion for the craft went more or less unsupported and after a run of about three different bands i just collapsed my efforts and moved back home. recently 3 years after i ran into my fourth band and we did a great deal of stuff. so it was good, but there were problems, and it didn't quite work as well as it could've. but yeah that's the thing about all this. there just isn't much that any of us could really do. but yeah i mean i have a mind ofr the stuff. i can think up beats and keyboard riffs and all that. but the stage's always been unkind. this year and last ive been doing countless open mics and even had a single paid show. thats kinda something anita's to blame for hah. she's kinda like, well connected, and also free in the sense that she can go out and book a show, and i can't. so i guess for that im in debt and awe.

but besides all that, yeah im just chillin, @ home, trying to figure out what exactly i wanna do about my life and crap. music keeps coming up. when i was a kid it was trombine piano recorder and singing and violin, as it was older school band and stuff, then jazz, then just open mics and my band after band after band, then a lengthy solo period, and then another band, and yeah its been interseting. ive bought and sold many guitars and stuff, probably because of like i guess you could say my conservative upbringing like i was never really encouraged to make a career out of my music. like ive always had that feeling that everyone i knew utterly hated all my music i never really felt as supported as i really needed to feel with the music. i dont know why but yeah ive never had someone go wow thats brilliant to me. thats what i really neeed enthusiastic art-fans that'd possibly fall in love with what i do. i mean that's my thing, im an unolved bastard, probably hard to love or like, or at least that was my old persona, i mean i dont know where i fit today, its hard to say, i mean im busy overcoming barriers and things, and its interesting. but yeah im not sure really whats there to do but yeah we're taking it step by step and such.

but yeah im just sitting here and its disappointing sure there's a huge disappointment when i think on my own music, four failed bands now, with maybe 3 shows to date as a sum total from all four. many open mics, recordings, but little else. and that kills. but yeah thats kinda all we've got. i made a push to go through my archives, nowadays i label shit real well and it makes things easy to kinda go over and stuff. helps me see where im going and where ive come from and stuff. helps shit out immensely. but yeah.

getting involved with someone else is a major pain and risk especially when you dont know what ot expect and tend to be suspicious from past experiences. but ive come to find anita has alot of that stuff just with general life, me i have it with music. so its interesting to confront these things like this. but yeah. its like irritating something thats really inflamatory. weirdness...

but yeah, Spinoza, Snowden's Silent Canvas, The Blackburn Collective, The Welsh Assembly, Deganwy's Lost Son, ... fairbrook band, ankeney band, mvs jazz ensemble... QEGS choir... Heathfield choir...